How We Lost The Baby

I found out I was pregnant on 26th October 2014 where I was 5 days late.. I couldn't take the irritating cramps and decided to purchase pregnancy test kit to see what's going on.

We were thrilled to a point where our minds went blank. We waited 2 weeks before the ultrasound scan to make sure we were really pregnant. Doctor confirmed it on 8th November 2014. we were over the moon.

However, on 13th November 2014, I started to see dark brown spotting on the tissue paper as I swiped down there after taking a leak. Not good news. After a few hours, brown blood spotting became heavier up to a point where i had to wear a pad. At that time I noticed mild needle-like pain on my womb which I thought it was normal. After work, we rushed to nearby women's clinic to get ourselves checked. Doctor said the baby doesn't look like I'm in 7 weeks and looked as if the baby had stopped growing after 4 weeks. I started to break down and hubby convinced me that it might be normal spotting, since the blood that came out was brown not red. 

The next day, 14th November 2014. I rang my gynae and made an appointment to meet him after lunch. Brown blood turned red now. Really not good news. As we met the doctor, he measured the sac and the baby and showed the baby is 6 weeks 6 days but still no heartbeat. We were asked to come back next Fri to see if the baby grows or see how my uterus reacts with Duphaston. I was given 1 week MC for bed rest.

On 18th November 2014. I started to bleed quite an amount of bright red blood and had periodic acute cramps. Cramps got stronger as time goes by. I was literally crying hysterically at 10pm telling my husband it's all over. I can feel the cramps getting stronger to a point I couldn't sit up straight and the bleeding is getting heavier by the hour. I manage to get some sleep at 12am when the cramp subsided.

On 19th November 2014, 1:00am. I was awaken by really acute pain and I rushed to the toilet to find blood flowing like a river down there. I knew I was having miscarriage that time. I endured the pain and resisted myself from taking painkiller. I just let nature takes its course. I kept going in and out of the toilet till 2:30am. It all stops after agonizing 1.5 hours. I felt lots of clots came out and the next day, I woke up with fully soaked overnight pad. Hubby arranged to sneak out from the office early so we could meet the gynae at 6pm. 

Finally, the check shows the sac is now gone and uterine lining is back to pre-pregnancy state. I was 8 weeks that day.

I thought the hard part was over and I moved on. It was far from over. A new cramp came along on 21st November 2014. It feels like something was stuck down there and every bladder or bowel movement feels like multiple nerves being pulled. I was literally having phobia to relief myself. I was wincing in agony every single time I need to relief myself. I couldn't even sleep, sit nor stand! I felt throbbing pain the entire day (not as painful as the miscarriage cramps). The very next day, 22nd November 2014. The pain came back once I woke up. I couldn't take it no more and gave in to painkiller. 1 tablet ends it all. At night around 11:00pm, I saw it. The pregnancy tissue. 

It was 6cm long and red firm tissue was attached to a black tissue. That caused me agonizing pain for 2 days. After my body expelled this tissue, bleeding became lighter. Just like when period is trailing off. My basal temperature dropped to 36.1x when this mass came out. After 19th November, my basal temp was still 36.3x for a few days, which is no where near my follicle phase temperature range. Really heart wrenching to see something you loved just came out to bid goodbye to you. Sigh

I never knew how many things could happen when you are pregnant. The joy, the pain, the anxiousness, the love for someone so tiny. It breaks my heart to see everything is gone. It felt like we had a long dream. Feeling so emotional as I typed every word. I thought I had gotten over it but the sad memories still lingers. 

R.I.P my Pigeon.

19th November 2014

Here's a song dedicated to you.

You'll always be my baby